Excuse the blurry photo and messy room….but this was taken on a prehistoric iPhone and I was a teenager (and not a clean one either!) I don’t even know how this ended up on my computer honestly because that phone was dropped and broken a LONG time ago. However, I was looking for a particular photo of my sister and happened to come across it and immediately felt like throwing up- and no, not because the quality is bad! But because I remember taking this photo and then looking at it and being completely horrified at how fat I was! I remember that I was so upset with how I looked that I even started crying.
As a kid I was always string skinny, then as I hit teenage years and went from skinny to average. I was still normal, but having bigger boobs and wider hips than most other 14 year olds meant that even though I was actually thin, I still FELT fat. My parents were overweight for my whole life so they were very concerned about the weight of their kids and even a little harsh because they didn’t want their children to struggle the way they had, but it definitely made it hard for me to ever be comfortable about my weight (sorry that I failed you by getting fat after I moved out mom! I still love you! HA!)
I have struggled with being unhappy about my weight from the time I was 12 years old, and it doesn’t help that kids are mean. I have been wearing a bra since I was 9, by 7th grade I was a C cup, and before I even started high school I had hit a DDD. And they just kept going. I always got comments about them, but every now and again a comment would slip in about my weight and that tiny, little, insignificant comment would totally destroy me. I would get so self conscious and cry about being fat…. but I look back on that now and think….WHAT WAS I THINKING??? I would give just about anything to look like that again! I am so mad at myself for being insecure about having that body, how is it possible that I could have thought I was fat?? At the time I took this photo, I was about 135-140 pounds. I’m 5’8″ (fun fact, right?) so my weight was totally within healthy range at that point- I feel so ridiculous that I ever could have had such negative, harmful thoughts about myself for being that size.
Below is the photo that was taken for our family picture last fall at the very fattest I have ever been… I compare the two side by side and just feel disgusted with myself for thinking I was fat before and also for letting myself getting to be that overweight and unhealthy. I have made some progress since then, but I still have a long, LONG way to go. And PS-this photo is super hard to share because I am so embarrassed, but I want to document my journey and thoughts about it as honestly and accurate as I can, good and bad, …so you know… be nice to me, ha!
The upside is that in finding this picture it has helped remind me that I have the capability of being that size. Of course I will never look just like that again, I have aged and had a child, but I do have the potential to reach my goals no matter how hard it is. At least I think…. maybe…..man, losing weight is HARD! Every year my new years resolution is to lose weight, and every year I have failed, but I don’t want that to be this year. I am only in my early 20s, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life at this weight or worse, even bigger. I don’t want the potential health problems it brings. I don’t want the limitations that it can place on lifestyle. And I want to feel sexy and pretty and love how I look because I never, ever have. I want this year to be the start of a relationship with myself where I take care of myself and treat my body how it deserves by being healthy and losing weight and hopefully learning to love what I have. I know it is a process and I’m not sure if I will ever love how I look honestly, but I think it is important for everyone to appreciate their body and their looks because after all, years later you might look back on photos of your current self and think….Why did I ever think that??